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You Just Discovered Sexual Betrayal. How to Begin Healing Using Gottman's Atone, Attune, Attach Model for Relationship Recovery.


I just found out my partner is cheating.


Begin Healing Using Gottman’s Atone, Attune, Attach Model


If you have just discovered infidelity in your relationship, your world may feel like it is falling apart, or worse yet, destroyed. The emotional rollercoaster—shock, anger, grief, confusion, numbness—is overwhelming. Intrusive thoughts, disabling amounts of anxiety, and unending questions swirl endlessly in your head.


This information is intended to give you information that may help lay out a path to understanding, healing and possibly rebuilding your relationship.


Relationship researchers and experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman offer a proven framework for healing after infidelity: Atone, Attune, Attach. This model isn’t a quick fix. But it is a deeply human, structured approach to repair what has been destroyed—if both partners dig in and do the work.

Here is what that journey can look like, starting from where you are today.



1. Atone: Acknowledge the Hurt and Take Full Responsibility

In the early days after discovering an affair, your mind is spinning. You may be asking: Why? How could this happen? Do I even know who my partner is? Was any of my relationship real?

The first step is atonement—and it starts with the partner who has betrayed you being willing to take full responsibility for their actions. Not minimizing. Not explaining it away. Not blaming you.


What’s needed in this phase:

  • The betraying partner must express sincere remorse and fully acknowledge the pain they have caused.

  • You, as the hurt partner, need space to ask hard questions and to be met with honest, non-defensive answers. Some people use Ester Perel’s "Investigative Questions for Couples Experiencing Infidelity.”

  • The betrayer must be willing to listen to your pain—even if it’s messy, raw, or repetitive. This does not mean you can be contemptuous. You are trying to heal and so you are sharing your pain in vulnerable and constructive ways.


If you’ve just found out about the affair, this is not the time to rush forgiveness or reconciliation or tell all your friends and neighbors. It’s time to slow down, ask questions, and begin to make meaning out of what happened. Healing starts with truth.



2. Attune: Rebuild Trust and Emotional Connection

Once the betrayal has been acknowledged and responsibility taken, the next stage is about emotional reconnection and new habits of managing conflict. This might feel far off—and that’s okay. There’s no timeline. But when you are ready, this phase is about recommitting to a new relationship.


What attunement looks like:

  • Having emotionally honest conversations where both partners express and validate feelings—without judgment.

  • Learn and practice skills to manage conflict in connecting ways.

  • Share their recommitment with important people in their lives.


Why this matters now: In the wake of betrayal, your emotional world can feel unsafe and unpredictable. Attunement helps establish a new relationship built on healthy relationship dynamics.



3. Attach: Reconnect Through Intimate Conversation and Sexuality

The final phase is about rebuilding a secure intimate bond. Although this does not happen overnight, all the hard work getting to this phase is the foundation for a pleasurable and intimate sexual relationship.


Attachment means:

  • Trusting your partner to have your back and be there during the hard times through consistent, caring actions.

  • Creating new rituals of connections that remind you both that safety and love are possible again.

  • Exploring emotional and physical intimacy at your own pace. People working in this phase often create deeper and more pleasurable sexual lives than they had before the betrayal.


Important: You do not have to rush into physical closeness to repair your bond. Attachment starts with emotional safety and presence. Often, the small things—checking in, being reliable, showing care—matter most.



If You are Not Sure Yet

Most people are unsure if they will ever be able to get over the betrayal. They are unable to see beyond the excruciating pain and chaos that swirl around them. You do not have to make any big decisions right now. Whether you stay or go, whether you try to heal or need space, it is okay to not know yet.


But if you do want to explore healing together, know this: recovery is possible. This work is intense and takes time. But with courage, honesty, and support, couples can not only survive betrayal—they can come out more connected, have more fun, and be more intentional than ever before.



Takeaway for Right Now:

  • You are in a ton of pain. Practice self-compassion and do healthy things for yourself like exercise, eat healthy, stay clear of alcohol and drugs, and ask for help.

  • Give yourself time to breathe and feel. Some people start with individual therapy to help them find their answer on whether to begin couples work or exit the relationship.

  • If your partner is truly willing to do the work—really show up, take responsibility, and commit to healing—it is possible to build a new relationship that is loving and secure.


You are not alone. And you do not have to figure it all out today.

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