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Gottman Couples Therapy: What is a Softened Start-Up and Why Does it Matter?

Many people find it tiresome to hear someone complain and most people struggle to want to listen to someone complain about them. Bringing up a complaint in a respectful and gentle way, without criticism, gives the listener a fighting chance of being curious about what makes you upset and understanding what you want.


John Gottman, PhD,  a renowned relationship researcher, found that the way a conversation begins—particularly a conflict— determines how it ends. In fact, 96% of the time, Dr. Gottman predicted the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes. If it starts harshly, it’s likely to end poorly. Dr. Gottman coined the term “softened start-up” to describe a formula for success in conflict that builds connection.


Elements of a softened start-up:

  1. Use “I” statements – Start with your feelings.

  2. Describe the experience - Talk like you are writing a biography of your lived experience.

  3. Express a positive need – Say what you do need so the other person understands what success looks like for you.


Example:

I feel______________________.

About what_________________.

I need _____________________.

Instead of: “You never help me around the house.”Try: “I feel overwhelmed about

the number of chores at the end of the day. I need the clothes folded before bed.”


  1. Be polite and appreciative – This sets a cooperative tone. Try: “I appreciate how much you’ve had on your plate lately, and I was hoping we could talk about…”

  2. Stay calm and respectful – Pay attention to your tone and body language. Talk to your partner/the other person like they are your friend.


Why a Softened Start-Up works:

  • Reduces defensiveness

  • Keeps problems small

  • Builds emotional safety

  • Encourages problem-solving rather than escalating into a fight

  • Strengthens trust over time


Practice this simple formula to engage in conflict in ways that bring understanding and collaboration. Find several times each day to put your feelings into words, describe your view of a situation, and talk about what you need. Make sure you return the favor for being heard and ask your partner/the other person what feelings they have, how they perceive a situation, and what their needs are. 


Further reading on the Softened Start-Up can be found in “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John M Gottman, PhD.

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