Infertility Sets You Up For Truama

I think that people often miss how emotionally nuanced infertility can be for those experiencing

it. People looking in from the outside can see the easily visible parts: the disappointment; the

longing for a baby; the agony of waiting. But infertility and trying to conceive are psychologically

salient times of life. Struggling to conceive brings up a lot of our past struggles, and, especially

for those with trauma in their histories, it can even be retraumatizing. Here’s why.

The overlap of infertility and trauma: what it is and isn’t

“Trauma” can mean a few things. The most technical definition refers to a pattern of neurological

reactivity, where the nervous system’s fear response is highly sensitive and reactive due to a

history of perceived traumatic events. But that’s not really my focus today. My focus today is on

the broader use of the word trauma: when our current experience is colored by painful events in

our past, in such a way that we feel unsafe and alone. There’s a lot of overlap between these

two definitions.

It’s worth saying explicitly that not everyone experiencing infertility will be traumatized. In fact,

most won’t. Even the most frightening or distressing experiences may be processed without

causing trauma if we deal with them in connection with others. I’ll get to that in a bit. But first,

here are some key ingredients for trauma, and how their relevance in the infertility process.

Helplessness

One of the hardest parts of infertility is the profound loss of control. No one willingly chooses

infertility. No one would. And for many highly competent people, being confronted with a

biological barrier is extraordinarily difficult. The further you get into the infertility process, the

more you may feel that medical appointments, intervention timelines, medications, and test

results dictate your life. Even information about your own health can sometimes feel confusing

or inaccessible, leaving you waiting for phone calls or trying to make sense of complicated

decisions.

Shame

Feeling shame is a hallmark of trauma. It’s not rational; it’s not accurate. It’s just a feeling. The

vast majority of clients in my practice who have experienced trauma have noticed feelings of

shame associated with memories of traumatic events, or how they coped with those events.

And going forward from trauma, experiences which evoke shame can be powerful traumatic

reminders.

Unfortunately, infertility carries an enormous amount of stigma in our society. It’s secretive and

sensitive, and where hiding happens, shame festers. And even though logically, it’s easy to say

that infertility isn’t your fault, it’s much, much harder to feel that. People experiencing infertility

often describe feeling broken, deficient, or like a failure.

Dehumanization

The medical aspect of infertility treatment involves an overwhelming amount of being poked and

prodded. Not to mention countless conversations focused on numbers: hormone levels, follicle

counts, embryo grades, lab results. Over time, it's easy to begin feeling less like a whole person

and more like a collection of medical data. Some people actively treating infertility begin to feel

like their body is not their own, and that feeling can persist into the pregnancy and postpartum

periods.

Fear

Fear becomes a constant companion for many people navigating infertility. There's the fear that

treatment won't work. The fear of another loss. The fear of having to let go of the life you

dreamed of. And the fear surrounding the medical procedures themselves. The prescence of

fear speaks directly to your nervous system. To the more primitive parts of your brain, the

message becomes “I’m not safe.” This arousal of sympathetic nervous system functioning puts

people at significant risk for experiencing trauma reactions.

Aloneness

People who never experience infertility simply don’t understand how lonely it is. Sometimes

loneliness exists within a relationship, as partners cope differently with infertility or struggle to

understand each other's experiences. Sometimes it comes from feeling left behind while friends

announce pregnancies and baby showers fill your calendar. And most people really want to

convey happiness for their loved ones’ normal, happy experiences. But on the inside, it’s so

lonely to struggle with something most others take for granted.

A history of trauma

Each of these risk factors become significantly more impactful if you have a history of traumatic

experiences. There’s a neurological basis for this; it literally comes down to how our past

experiences wire our brains. But there’s also a relational component. If you have struggled in

the past to be seen as good, to be seen as worthy, to feel loved, then it’s likely that infertility

challenges some of your perceived conditions of worth. And that is a recipe for retraumatization.

The good news

For each of these ingredients, there’s an antidote. Research shows that potentially traumatic

events aren’t necessarily traumatizing. Here are the things that make a difference.

• Connection with people we trust. We can get through just about anything if we have people by our side listening to how we feel and making us feel loved and valued.

• Get assistance understanding what’s happening. Great communication with the medical professionals involved in your care is key. But so is great communication withyour partner. Being in touch about the dreams, fears, and feelings associated with this process will help you both feel fully informed and in charge of your own narrative.

• Hope for safety going forward. Infertility can feel endless. But it can be really impactful to remind yourself that this pain and turmoil is chosen, and it’s chosen for a really good reason. It’s not forever, you’re not trapped here, and no matter what, there will come a time when your life does not revolve around infertility.

To learn more about the associations between infertility and trauma, or to get started in therapy

with me, please reach out to see if we’re a good fit. I’m passionate about supporting you through

this time. Email me at DrKress@EnrichCenter.org or call/text me at 720-984-2577.