How to Convince Your Partner to go to Therapy

Wanting to go to therapy but your partner is unwilling? Here are some ideas of how to approach it that may open them up to the possibility of attending.

• Ask them, without accusing, why they don’t want to go. I find “why” questions often feel more confrontational or critical, so try to use a “what” question. What makes you uncomfortable with going? What are you nervous about? Then listen and validate the answers. Validating doesn’t mean you agree, it just means you can see it from their perspective. Can’t see their side? Ask questions. How did they come to see things that way? Get curious.

• Share why it is important to you. Are you feeling hopeless? Helpless? Has the idea of divorce, separation, or break up been on your mind? It might be a hard conversation, but if they understand the seriousness of where you’re at, they might be more willing to give it a try.

• Debunk any myths - or have a therapist do it for you. Most therapists offer a free consultation call so you can see if they would be a good fit for you. Set up a few consult calls and ask questions about their process, how they work towards goals, how they might handle your issues, etc. Ask questions around specific concerns your partner might have that are preventing them from wanting to try.

• Do your research on models and methods. Almost all have their merits, but some are better suited for certain people than others. Want them to be engaged? Try picking something they might jive with. Therapists will be listed on the websites for these models or they will list it on their profiles on Psychology Today. Here is a quick overview of the most common and effective ones:

  • Gottman Method Couples Therapy

    • Strengths: strong science supporting it, structured, practical tools and exercises, emphasizing emotional and behavioral work

    • Weaknesses: may feel too cognitive or rigid for deeply emotional couples

  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

    • Strengths: deep emotional processing and bonding, good science supporting it, those with trauma find it especially helpful

    • Weaknesses: both partners need to be invested to build momentum, high emotional engagement

  • Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

    • Strengths: high conflict, ingrained gender roles/power dynamic, family of origin/inner child work

    • Weaknesses: can feel too direct for some, relies heavily on therapist skills, presence, and rapport

  • Psychodynamic Couples Therapy

    • Strengths: understanding of patterns, unconscious habits and thoughts

    • Weaknesses: slower paced, more abstract

  • Eclectic: meaning they use a bit from varying models and methods based on the couple. This is what most therapists do, though there are purists or those with a primary model.

    • Strengths: can get strong insights and tools that work custom to your relationship

    • Weaknesses: if not done well, it can feel scattered or conflicting