Being a Good Parent When You Didn’t Have One

I often find in my practice that couples who are struggling with dealing with their own childhood trauma also tend to struggle as parents. It looks different for different people. It might be not recognizing or acknowledging your own emotions or being uncomfortable with “negative” emotions in general. It might be shutting down in the face of more challenging situations, like an angry or tantruming child. It might be knowing how to set and enforce appropriate limits with your child. Or it might just be not feeling as close to your child as you’d hoped. Whatever the circumstances, how do you be the parent you never had? Especially when your kids seem to trigger the wounds you already have? Check out the following ideas to help you break the cycle.

Look for patterns

Losing your cool might seem random, but if you look close enough you can start to see patterns develop. Maybe it’s always bedtime, certain noises or screams, dinner time, sibling rivalry, or something else, but there is a pattern to what sets you off. Notice what you are feeling in those moments and try to put it into words. Chances are the repeated emotions and words you tell yourself will help you find the pattern. Uncover what it is, and you can work to manage or change the situation to help you, and your kids, get through it easier.

Give yourself a break

Taking a break while you are a parent might seem laughable, especially in our ultra-independent family structure we have now. I promise, it is worth it. Giving yourself the time and permission to detach for a bit can help you be present in other moments. Find meaningful ways to spend time alone after bedtime, rather than just scrolling, get a babysitter for a couple of hours a week or month to go spend time with yourself, or just create opportunities by engaging your children in activities they love and using the time in a meaningful way, again, not just scrolling the phone.

Breathe through it

Those with trauma histories tend to be far more reactive to stressful situations, not to mention the triggers that come with trauma. Mindfulness, and deep breathing in particular, are physiological ways for you to soothe yourself in moments of being flooded, or overwhelmed. Box breathing is a simple way to focus on your breathe. In your mind, count to 4 while breathing in, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, and then hold for 4. It might help to imagine drawing or tracing a box with each count of 4 representing one side.

If you want more guidance in becoming the parent you always wanted and wish to be, please join me for an Emotion Coaching Boot Camp. Emotion Coaching is a research based, effective model of parenting that not only validates feelings but sets appropriate limits on behavior. We work together to explore some of your current parenting style, worries you might have about your child, and give you the tools you need to be an effective and loving parent.